Monday, June 7, 2010

You Know You Have a Child With Special Needs If...

Wow. My first post. I tried hard to make this witty, touching, and insightful, so you'd get a glimpse of the wonderful things that are to come.

Unfortunately, you'll have to settle for whatever came out of my mouth at 12:22 a.m. Please come back anyway.

In the spirit of the thousands, nay, millions, of emails that are circulating with hilarious lists of things that describe some aspect of who you are (You Know You're a Child of the 70s If... you remember the alternate lyrics to the Dee's theme song! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), I'm going to create my own list. Because we can always use another one.

And if you don't remember the Dee's theme song, or have no idea what Dee's even is, I'll post the lyrics after my awesome list.

You Know You Have a Child With Special Needs If:

1. You panic when you leave the house without your phone because you're going to miss all the reminder calls for your child's upcoming doctor visits, which you wrote down on a receipt from your purse and then promptly threw away.

2. Even though you threw away the receipt that had the doctors' appointments on it, you still have a receipt in your purse from a random trip to the grocery store in 2003. Along with other miscellaneous garbage that will never find its way out.

3. You ask, "Now which clinic is this?" when the receptionist calls to remind you of the appointment. Even though you've been taking your child there regularly for 8 years.

4. Your child has 22 specialists and since you can't remember what any of them do anymore, you hope to get clues as to their specialty by observing the other people in the waiting room.

5. Your pharmacist not only knows you by name, but knows which prescription you're there to fill.

6. You lobby for a punch card so after your 10th appointment the 11th is free.

7. You have your own personal advocate with the insurance company and they call to see if everything is ok if they haven't heard from you in a while.

8. Even though you spend a third of your life in doctors' offices, you haven't had a physical in 6 years because you don't think of scheduling an appointment for yourself and after a while, they stop calling to remind you.

9. Ditto the dentist.

10. You rejoice the first time your child talks back to you.

11. You rejoice when your 7 year old goes pee pee in the potty.

12. You have a t-shirt printed with the words: Yes, I know my child is having a tantrum and no, I don't care.

13. You have another one printed with the words: I'm sure you would do a better job than I do. Why don't you take him for a week and show me how it's done?

14. You wear one of these shirts every time you visit the inlaws.

15. Every time your mother in law opens her mouth, you point at the shirt.

16. You know what IDEA, IEP, 504, FAPE, and LRE mean.

17. You've had more than one conversation that begins with: I'm sorry my child won't stop saying, "My mommy makes me eat my boogers!" I don't know where he got it and I don't know why he won't stop. Please don't call DCFS.

18. You're trying to figure out how to get a refund on your ticket to Holland, because when you come right down to it, the canals of Venice are much cooler than clogs. And tulips. And windmills. But Rembrandt is pretty cool.

19. You become a soggy, weeping puddle when you hear the song "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant.

20. You get teary when you see a little girl skipping down the street.

21. You can identify every single train from the Island of Sodor and know the purpose of each one.

22. Although you wouldn't have chosen this, you thank God every day for the ability to experience life through the eyes of a child who will never stop delighting at watching the ants that are walking across the kitchen floor.

If you said yes to 5 or more of these, hide yourself in the laundry room and take a nap in the middle of the pile of dirty clothes stacked on the dryer, where they can't see your feet. You deserve it.

Original lyrics to the Dee's theme song:

Goody box, goody box, good-goody-goody box
A big, juicy burger
A bag full of fries
An ice cold drink
And a surprise

Alternate lyrics:

A big, juicy booger
A bag full of flies
An ice cold *censored*
And a surprise (said while raising eyebrows up and down)

Link to lyrics to Wonder by Natalie Merchant:

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you're blogging again! Its about time.

    And yes, I can relate to so many of these, even though Ma'x situation is so different from yours. Today, in my utter grace, I fell and really did a number on my knee. For a while I thought it was broken, and while thinking about a Dr I would call, realize that I don't have a doctor, but Max has about 17 of every specialty.